Illustrations by Matt Hall
When the UPS delivery person dropped off the package we already knew what was inside the brown box. Smells of raspberry, green apple, and watermelon bubblegum emanated from the package filled the air. The Quench Gum had finally arrived. The rather retro looking gum is something special compared to the slick look of today’s gum world. This is gum for sport. The tart and sweet flavors got us hooked. Before you knew it we were all chewing down on some Quench at the start line of our local cyclocross series.
Some juicy history - Quench Gum did not just pop & smack up out of nowhere. The company has a history that entrenches it deep within the athletic community. The gum began it’s life as a sour spray created by Curt Mueller, a former University of Wisconsin basketball player and chemist. Runners couldn’t keep their hands on the little bottles of spray so a gum was invented for easy on the go quenchability. Amazingly, the first real sport team to put Quench gum to the test were The Harlem Globetrotters. So, if you’re looking for proof in the way of “does this gum work?” Obviously the gum works because they just about never lose, duh. With the help of the Harlem Globetrotters Quench Gum was able to hire Meadowlark Lemon -The Clown Prince of Basketball- as the company’s first spokesperson. If that wasn’t enough Quench also had a group of lovely ladies called the Quench Angels cruising around in the Quenchmobile tossing out gum like there was no tomorrow.
NOTE: This is only an artist rendition of what we thought the Quenchmobile would look like.
These days just about everyone is quenching including the Milwaukee Brewers, Barack Obama *unofficially due to other bubblegum sponsorship conflicts* and myself. All the important players.
Visual - Upon unwrapping Quench Gum you will notice that it is not just one piece of gum but two stuck together to form one super piece. One side is sour, the other is sweet. A common comparison that many people give Quench gum based on it’s two color appearance is to the bubblegum from the Mission Impossible movie. You know, the stuff that blew up the helicopter and killed Jon Voight. Anyway, Quench gum has a unique look that you may or may not want to play out your Tom Cruise fantasies with.
NOTE: Also, artist rendering. Not actual Mission Impossible explosion.
Taste - Horribly addicting. Quench Gum comes in packs of 10 pieces but it never seems enough. The gum which is designed to give you a quick hit of hydration by getting those salivary glands going but doesn’t last long. The first minute is awesome and you will be in bubblegum bliss but any longer than that and the gum will lose flavor. Which we will note is the actual intention of the gum. When talking with the Quench Rep at a recent tradeshow he came right out and said it. “Jam on it for a bit and then just toss it.” We’ll let you decide on the viability of just tossing your gum in any direction you feel. You also might keep chewing in hopes of getting the very last bit of flavor from its gum carcass but it’s useless. You would be better off squeezing stones in hopes of getting some Quench flavor.
NOTE ON “STACKING”: Stacking is a term that was developed at this same tradeshow and subsequently used at all following tradeshows. This is where you continue to place pieces of Quench gum in your mouth as the last one loses its flavor. Just keep stacking them up to maintain full flavorability.
Nutrition - Don’t eat Quench Gum. You wouldn’t want a little Quench baby in your gut for seven years.
Timing - First and foremost the best time to consume Quench Gum is always, ABQ (always be Quenching). The second best time is right in the face of your competition. Eat it nice and slowly for maximum intimidation effects. Smack your gum. Make that shit pop so that they know you’re there. They will know you have the hydration advantage and are therefore already set-up to win.
This technique was used to its full effect recently at the start line of the Portland Trophy Cup. Both Ira Ryan & David Wilcox were spotted removing pieces of the sticky stuff from the leg bands of their racing skinsuits and popping them in their mouth. When questioned by the onlooking Masters Category as to what they were eating they simply looked back and smiled.
Previously, you might have thought it was dedication, training, a good attitude and eating your Wheaties that made athletes reach the pinnacle of their sport. Now, all you have to believe in is Quench. You’re on “the program” like the rest of us believers. Luckily, for you we can help you out by getting you that steady stream of Quench you need to perform at your very best. We got all the flavors of dehydration destruction like Green Apple Grape, Strawberry Watermelon, Double Raspberry, Orange Fruit Punch and even Quench X for the true all-stars. Get Quenched!
Add A Pack of Quench to Your Order Now!