Our last article focused on how cyclists can shave time (ha!) off their showers by shaving their legs out of the shower in the interest of conserving water. Californians were thrilled with the piece. Arnold Schwarzenegger called it “revelatory; one of the defining works of our time.” The thing is, shaving outside of the shower really isn’t all that revolutionary. After digging deeper into the leg-shaving underworld, I found that stranger concoctions are ever being brewed.
One trend about to hit the streets in full force this summer is the hair kit, or hair shorts and hair socks. Shorts and socks made entirely of hair, you ask? Nay, this comic spectacle is a whole new brand of weird. Picture your legs if you shaved with your kit on, effectively leaving your upper legs and everything below the sock line untrimmed.
This technique has the effect of creating a tanned, hairless stripe from the mid thigh to a few inches above the ankle. When sunburned, the wearer of the hair kit looks something like a small dog after the center of it’s body has been waxed, exposing the soft, pink under-flesh.
(see exhibit A)
The hair kit is the dad bod of the cycling world. It’s for those who ride bikes and want to be part of the club, but really, really don’t care at all about how they look without their kit. It’s the epitome of comfort with one’s current relationship status. While I cannot endorse the dad bod simply because of the double standard it perpetuates in our culture when it comes to bodies (where is the mom bod?), I’m having a much more difficult time deciding whether or not I support the hair kit.
From an inside source I’ve acquired some information on the general procedure. If you’re a fan of smooth legs and aerodynamics, but you’re all about minimizing the time required to procure them, see here:
Kit up and go ride your bike. The hair kit is always best when shaving is done post ride. Sweat and road grime are among the most underrated exfoliators.
Have a snack right when you get home for optimum recovery. Check out Zach’s recent Snacks Attack articles to find your ideal source of nutriment.
Lather up. That’s right. Before you even take your kit off, slap some cream on those bad boys.
Fill a small receptacle with warm water and use it to wash your razor blade both before shaving and between strokes.
Shave all visible hair.
Derobe and rinse off. Bam! That’s a nice hair kit you got there.
Continue not giving any fucks.
NOTE: We are not endorsing this technique, simply providing information.
Is the motive water conservation taken to the extreme, inspired by my last article? Probably. But if not, what does this say about our culture? Are smart-phones and gifs so shortening our attention spans that we just can’t bring ourselves to finish the job? Are cyclists too tired from all the miles to go the extra inches with the razor? Is it like the ironic mustache that permeated into our culture until it was no longer ironic but a full-fledged, straight-up mustache, no questions asked? Is it simply a statement that one does not have any fucks to give, or perhaps some twisted assertion of control over one’s own destiny in defiance to Western determinism (didn’t see that one coming, did you, Universe)?
Like the Buddhist Avyākata, the phenomenon seems to raise many unanswerable questions, but a few things are for sure when it comes to the hair kit. It’s real, it’s real funny, and if you see someone at the beach that looks like they’ve been run over by a giant lint roller, you should raise a can in their direction.